What's Next? Looking Forward to my Next Experiment:

Now that I'm on my own, you might wonder what my plans are. In preparing for this Olympic season, I now plan to write my own training program based on what I've found has worked for me in the past. Rex Albertson is going to be on board as my advisor.

Based on what happened in August and September, and how I feel in training right now, we are proceeding as if to get me to recover from the "O" word. Though the fall world cup trials are coming up soon, we have decided to throw in more rest for me right now, to make sure that I can get back to a normal physical level in time for the racing season.

I think that many speedskaters train too much in the Olympic season. My theory is that in this season it is better to err on the side of caution in terms of training load.

As far as my conflict with my previous team, I can see that the main issue is the question of whether I actually got physically tired during the August training cycle, or whether an episode of depression came up and caused me to fail in my training. Maybe when things settle down, I'll write more on this topic; probably not until after this season is over. Right now, the only thing I can do is to move forward.

Trying to convince some people of the reality of my physical tiredness seemed an impossible task. I felt like one of those people who goes around trying to convince others that they have been abducted by aliens! I don't know if there is anything I can do from this point forward to prove that this wasn't a mental breakdown, so I will just proceed with my training plans and do my best.

I know that I can be a very difficult athlete to coach. In my athletic life, I've had two cross country coaches and I-don't-know-how-many speedskating coaches tell me that I'm "too smart to be an athlete."

There is no doubt that someone who doesn't necessarily accept everything they are told and goes out to find answers on their own can be a challenge and a frustration to a coach. But I guess the last question that remains for me is not whether I can work with a coach, but whether I can succeed as an athlete at all. Having the opportunity to finish out my speedskating career completely under my own control is the only way I can answer this question. Despite the circumstances, I suppose I am grateful for this chance after all.