Keepin' it Real at the Hotel Derelicte: Mama Eva's Boarding House for Wayward Speedskaters offers only the finest mattresses made by homeless people for the D.I Thrift Store!

I usually avoid reading the USS News emails, as I tend to find them rather untherapeutic to my mental well-being, but one of my skating friends from Southern California insisted I take a look at the one about the remodeling of the short trackers' housing in Colorado Springs. "There's got to be a good blog post in there, somewhere!" he said.

The subject heading of the above-mentioned email was this: "Ohno, USS Athletes Get a Room Makeover: NASA and Hilton Work Together to Give USS Stars a Good Night's Sleep." Apparently, Hilton Hotels will modify 160 athlete rooms at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs, using the expertise of former NASA scientist Dr. Mark Rosekind, who has developed methods of combating fatigue in pilots and astronauts.

Dr. Rosekind says, "Sleep is so important and so basic that it could make the difference between winning the gold or the silver at the Olympic Games. The proper amount of sleep can boost an athlete's performance as much as 30 percent."

Apolo Ohno agrees that "Rest and relaxation is a critical component to competing at your best."

To help the athletes achieve optimal rest, the "Hilton Competitive Advantage Program" will incorporate elements including enhanced bed size and bedding (a plush-top mattress to reduce tossing and turning and to improve circulation during sleep), a usable work area and an effective wake-up mechanism (a radio alarm clock that automatically adjusts for daylight savings time and includes a connector for MP3 and CD players).

The rooms will also feature new 6-setting shower heads, curved rods and curtains, and "large, thick terry towels and washcloths" provided by Hampton Hotels.

"Other room enhancements include sensory changes involving temperature, lighting, and visual stimuli." However, several details are still being kept top-secret. (I'm assuming that we are trying to prevent the Norwegian team from gaining the same advantages for their athletes!)

Dr. Rosekind emphasizes the importance of sleep to an elite athlete: "For an athlete, two hours less sleep than needed is the same as having a blood alcohol level of 0.05 when it comes to the effect on performance."

Ha-ha-ha. I know of at least a few speedskaters for whom, in order to prevent feeling like they have a BAC of 0.05, the ideal bed would feature the following: An industrial-strength bedpost, complete with handcuffs, to prevent the skater from going out to actually search for booze!

As an an internationally competitive US Long Track speedskater who resides in the Salt Lake Valley -- supposedly the home base of the US Long Track program, since it is where our training facility, the Utah Olympic Oval, is located -- how am I supposed to feel about reading such an email? How am I supposed to react, knowing that every American long track skater who has limiting factors that prevent them from living up in the USS high altitude housing in Park City, has always been ON THEIR OWN when it comes to housing?

I remember sitting in on a teleconference of skaters with USS board representatives a couple of seasons ago. We were discussing controversial issues regarding sponsorships and the distribution of athlete funding and benefits. The topic of housing was brought up. We talked about the unfairness experienced by certain skaters who were qualified for the free housing up in Park City but couldn't live there because their hematocrit would be too high if they lived at high altitude. As a result, they were forced to live down in the Salt Lake Valley and had to pay for their own housing.

And what about the people who drive shitty cars that won't make it up and down Parley's Canyon? What about those who can't afford the gas?

I brought up the point that, regardless of whether people were able to take advantage of the "Live High-Train Low" philosophy, US Speedskating, the USOC, and the Utah Olympic Oval should be concerned about THE LACK OF HOUSING AVAILABLE IN PROXIMITY TO THE UTAH OLYMPIC OVAL.

There is a great need for housing close to the UOO. First of all, most American speedskaters don't have much money and are looking for ways to save. We'd love to be able to walk or bike to the Oval. A residence facility for athletes would be a great thing to build nearby. Besides, why shouldn't we long trackers have access to free housing, just like the short trackers?

I believe that the lack of nearby housing is a major reason why speedskaters from all over the world choose to train in Calgary rather than Salt Lake City. The hotels here are just too far away for the skaters to walk or bike to the facility. As a result, the speedskating sessions in Calgary are overcrowded, while the Utah Oval wastes away like an empty warehouse for much of the time.

In the athlete teleconference, when I brought up the need for housing close to the Oval, I was told by one of the athlete reps, "If you bring up the need for housing in Salt Lake with the program director, he will laugh in your face." WHY? I never got a straight answer.

So, I bet you're wondering when I will get to the point of this post. My point is this: Why bother to optimize housing conditions for the short trackers, when the long trackers have never had anything at all? Why care if some short trackers toss and turn and lose two hours' worth of sleep, while the long trackers might as well live in cardboard boxes under the I-15 overpass, eating spaghetti-O's from the dumpster?

I, for one, have recognized the need for affordable athlete housing close to the Oval. In fact, by purchasing a house within a 10-minute walk of the Oval, I have managed to create for myself an opportunity out of an obstacle. I rent rooms to speedskaters who come here to train.

I would have loved to be able to stay in a training center for free, but since there was nothing available, I had to hunt for my own housing options just like every other American long tracker. I've done it all: rented a room from someone else, rented my own apartment, and shared the rental of a house with a group of other skaters. Finally, I decided to buy a house near the Oval, knowing that I could keep most of the rooms occupied with skaters for most of the year -- thus having other people pay my mortgage for me. Back when I was still a "well-paid scientist," I was able to obtain a mortgage.

Here at Mama Eva's Boarding House for Wayward Speedskaters, we "Live High, and Train Low" on the West Side. (Hey, there has to be at least a 20-meter elevation gain as you walk up the hill from the Oval to my street!) Rent is on the low side, even compared to the rest of Kearns, and you can easily walk or bike to the Oval in 10 minutes or less. Though the living conditions are not those of the laboratory-controlled perfection that ought to be provided for future Olympians, they are acceptable.

Unlike the new dorm rooms at the USOTC in Colorado Springs, my room does not always present me with the "ideal sensory stimuli." My lights are either on, or they're off. Sometimes I'm awakened in the middle of the night by the putrescence of the Great Salt Lake blowing in on the northwest wind of an approaching cold front. On occasion, my radio alarm clock wakes me up with a Motley Crue song. And, yes, it is true: I sleep on a mattress that was made, not by Hilton on recommendation of a NASA scientist, but by homeless people for the Deseret Industries Thrift Store.

Even though being a home owner gives me a tremendous sense of accomplishment, and renting rooms to speedskaters has enabled me to make friends from all over the world, it still bothers me that US Speedskating ignores the fact that we long trackers need housing every bit as much as the short trackers do.

I know it's not USS's fault that Hilton and NASA chose to overhaul the OTC in Colorado Springs. But why gloat over the fact that the short trackers will have ideal conditions? Why publicize the knowledge that proper rest and relaxation is critically important for athletic performance, while expecting athletes like me to continue to suffer for your contradictions and hypocrisy; your continued assertion that athletes like me don't matter, and that your "walking billboards" don't even need food and shelter?

US Speedskating has always been about image, the expediency of the moment, and piddly-fucking little pseudo-scientific details, while losing sight of The Big Picture. Oh, yes. Your long track skaters suffer. We bear the burden of excessive working hours. We bear the burden of not eating properly in order to save money. We bear the burden of the guilt of adults who accept our parents' help, because we represent this country on an international level of competition, but we can't take care of our basic needs.

It's not like I'm going to sit here and cry over how good a speedskater I could have been if I'd had access to everything I needed for optimal training and recovery over the past 5 years. I'm just going to go out there and do my best anyway, and see what happens.

No matter what random favors happen to fall to random people on someone's standard-free whim, I realize that my own ability and strength are not THEIRS to give, take, assign, or deny. I will continue to fight this unreasonable battle because I love the sport of speedskating and want to skate well. I know that everyone who follows this blog and my race results realizes that everything I've accomplished in this sport has happened because I have triumphed over impossible odds, and not because my federation has provided me with everything I need in order to train and recover at my best. That is what The Protocol is all about: destroying false images of the lives of Olympic hopefuls.