The Offspring Nation Marathon Protocol:
It wasn't a very good season for the Offspring Nation Olympic Team. Last Sunday, Dexter Holland ran the L.A. Marathon in just over 5 hours...and 3 days later, I'm still walking around shaking my head saying, "Dexter had a bad race," and wondering if I'm just making it all up.
Even though he won't see this, it makes me feel better to write it: If you wanna beat Oprah, Dexter, then here's what you have to do:
I know you love to eat tacos all the time, but you're right - you absolutely shouldn't eat tacos before your race. You have to play mind games with yourself. Picture a giant taco waiting for you on the finish line. But Oprah wants the taco too! You can't let her get to it before you do, or else SHE'LL EAT IT ALL, and it's the last taco on earth!
I could probably have made the 2006 Olympic Team if I'd imagined something I wanted waiting for me on the finish line, but unfortunately, all I could see ahead was traveling to Torino with a bunch of two-faced bastards, watching out for the knife they wanted to shove in my back! If only I had stepped up to the starting line thinking, "If I go under 1:17 in the 1000 meters, then the program director's face will melt off like that Nazi guy on Raiders of the Lost Ark!" Then I would have made the team.
I can beat Oprah in the marathon, by the way. In 1997, I ran the Detroit marathon in 3:38.
Live high, train low....
Come out and play!
It wasn't a very good season for the Offspring Nation Olympic Team. Last Sunday, Dexter Holland ran the L.A. Marathon in just over 5 hours...and 3 days later, I'm still walking around shaking my head saying, "Dexter had a bad race," and wondering if I'm just making it all up.
Even though he won't see this, it makes me feel better to write it: If you wanna beat Oprah, Dexter, then here's what you have to do:
I know you love to eat tacos all the time, but you're right - you absolutely shouldn't eat tacos before your race. You have to play mind games with yourself. Picture a giant taco waiting for you on the finish line. But Oprah wants the taco too! You can't let her get to it before you do, or else SHE'LL EAT IT ALL, and it's the last taco on earth!
I could probably have made the 2006 Olympic Team if I'd imagined something I wanted waiting for me on the finish line, but unfortunately, all I could see ahead was traveling to Torino with a bunch of two-faced bastards, watching out for the knife they wanted to shove in my back! If only I had stepped up to the starting line thinking, "If I go under 1:17 in the 1000 meters, then the program director's face will melt off like that Nazi guy on Raiders of the Lost Ark!" Then I would have made the team.
I can beat Oprah in the marathon, by the way. In 1997, I ran the Detroit marathon in 3:38.
Live high, train low....
Come out and play!
posted by Eva at 8:40 AM
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