From the Olympic Trials to the War of Ideas:

There have been some whispers in the darkest corners of American speedskating, that the reason why Nancy and I were left off the Olympic Team is because I was next in line, and that USSPEEDSKATING didn't want to take me to the Olympics because I was "too subversive."

Is this true? Is this the real explanation for why USSPEEDSKATING did not send a full team of women to Torino?

The fact is, there is a limit to the number of possible explanations for not sending a full team of women, and all of them are the wrong answer. All of these possiblities represent a desecration of the purity of metric speedskating:

1. The next athlete in line was too subversive.

2. There is a double standard: One standard for the men, and another for the women.

3. USSPEEDSKATING believed Nancy Swider-Peltz Jr. was not good enough to go to the Olympics.

With regard to how we finished at the Trials, and the fact that USSPEEDSKATING did not send enough competitors to fill all of their race entries at the Olympics, both Nancy and I are just as much Olympians as are Clay Mull and Charles Ryan Leveille.

USSPEEDSKATING, if you thought it was embarrassing to enter only 3 women in the Olympic 1500 meters, can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to admit that the reason why you didn't have enough female competitors is because you were afraid to take a so-called "subversive" athlete to the Olympic Games?

Congratulations, suckers! You have walked right into this trap. Oh, yes, USSPEEDSKATING, you had the biggest gun, and you had to point your great big gun right at me. And Nancy became the victim of the collateral damage of your own fear and stupidity. That's right, USSPEEDSKATING: Show the whole world what a great big gun you need in order to hunt vermin like me, because you can't trust the verdict of the electronic timing system to weed me out. And even through my own destruction, I'm laughing at you all, because I have forced your hand. I have brought forth the physical manifestation of the dark soul of USSPEEDSKATING. I have caught you with your pants down, taking a giant dump on the purity of a time trial sport.

Corrupt sports federations are a dime a dozen; everybody knows that. But USSPEEDSKATING was MY corrupt sports federation. And by going out of their way to leave two women off the Olympic Team, they have proven to the whole world that metric speedskating in America is not about beating the clock, but about the decisions of a committee of sniveling cowards who meet behind closed doors and are accountable to no one.

Game over, USSPEEDSKATING. I win.