Steal This Protocol
To my Norwegian friends and all others who have been accused of misappropriating US Speedskating's intellectual property: Here is a little present from the Brain Trust itself.
I found this paper on the stretching mats after practice at the Utah Olympic Oval yesterday afternoon, and it wasn't stamped "CONFIDENTIAL," or anything like that, so I thought I'd share it. Here it is, in its entirety, for your entertainment:
US Speedskating Fluid Balance Protocol.
1. Check in training room/locker (downstairs) after your last void (bathroom stop) before warming up!
2. Pretest: Have your nude weight measured (you will not see your weight)
3. Pretest: Have your bottle of fluid weighed (plan on having your fluid ready)
4. Train & drink only out of your own bottle!
5. Communicate if you need to urinate during training or cool down (we will give you a cup to collect urine)
6. Communicate if you need to refill your bottle (we will need to weigh your bottle again)
7. Posttest: Have your nude weight measured (as above)
8. Posttest: Have your bottle of fluid weighed
9. Done!
What will this give you?
Individualized fluid recommendations for intense on-ice training to optimize your hydration status when training indoors!
-------
Oh no. Up until this point, I had been feeling pretty good about what the High 5 Speedskating Team has to offer me. I had been pretty confident about the training I've been doing. But now that I have seen just how advanced US Speedskating's scientific program is, I have become completely demoralized.
If you can't trust your athletes to re-hydrate themselves properly, then you have a serious problem. I don't think that is the case. I think this is a case of, "Look how scientific we can be! See how we have The Best Sports Science in the World?" See how picky we are, and how much money we can throw away on collecting the kind of data that makes a negligible difference, if any?
When I'm out on the ice, I drink just enough to sustain my workout, but not so much that I'm running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Most other skaters do the same. For the most part, this is self-regulating and a no-brainer.
As long as you're at it, why not do a study on the effect of missing a set of intervals, or starting a set late, due to excessive restroom breaks?
Instead, why not measure some parameters that are more relevant to actual skating performance? Can you tell me the relative importance, in terms of my performance goals, of factors such as aerobic endurance, skating technique, sprint power, and lactic endurance, and how much of my limited time and energy I should spend on each?
Besides, what do I care if I'm a couple of milliliters low on my fluid balance if I just put in 35 hours of work last week in order to support my unreasonable speedskating lifestyle? You want to know why I'm underperforming? That's a major part of the answer. Can you help your athletes meet their basic needs before paying a salary for someone to come in and weigh their urine, or will you just laugh in your skaters' faces when they say they need to feed and house themselves while they're training?
Watch out, world. With cutting-edge science like the Fluid Balance Protocol, the US Team is gonna get you!
Don't you love how often the word "Protocol" comes up in speedskating? I hope every time US Speedskating sees the word "Protocol," they think of me.
The moral of this story? Don't make an enemy of a person who can tell funny stories. Or, at the very least, don't leave your top-secret protocols where I can find them.
To my Norwegian friends and all others who have been accused of misappropriating US Speedskating's intellectual property: Here is a little present from the Brain Trust itself.
I found this paper on the stretching mats after practice at the Utah Olympic Oval yesterday afternoon, and it wasn't stamped "CONFIDENTIAL," or anything like that, so I thought I'd share it. Here it is, in its entirety, for your entertainment:
US Speedskating Fluid Balance Protocol.
1. Check in training room/locker (downstairs) after your last void (bathroom stop) before warming up!
2. Pretest: Have your nude weight measured (you will not see your weight)
3. Pretest: Have your bottle of fluid weighed (plan on having your fluid ready)
4. Train & drink only out of your own bottle!
5. Communicate if you need to urinate during training or cool down (we will give you a cup to collect urine)
6. Communicate if you need to refill your bottle (we will need to weigh your bottle again)
7. Posttest: Have your nude weight measured (as above)
8. Posttest: Have your bottle of fluid weighed
9. Done!
What will this give you?
Individualized fluid recommendations for intense on-ice training to optimize your hydration status when training indoors!
-------
Oh no. Up until this point, I had been feeling pretty good about what the High 5 Speedskating Team has to offer me. I had been pretty confident about the training I've been doing. But now that I have seen just how advanced US Speedskating's scientific program is, I have become completely demoralized.
If you can't trust your athletes to re-hydrate themselves properly, then you have a serious problem. I don't think that is the case. I think this is a case of, "Look how scientific we can be! See how we have The Best Sports Science in the World?" See how picky we are, and how much money we can throw away on collecting the kind of data that makes a negligible difference, if any?
When I'm out on the ice, I drink just enough to sustain my workout, but not so much that I'm running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Most other skaters do the same. For the most part, this is self-regulating and a no-brainer.
As long as you're at it, why not do a study on the effect of missing a set of intervals, or starting a set late, due to excessive restroom breaks?
Instead, why not measure some parameters that are more relevant to actual skating performance? Can you tell me the relative importance, in terms of my performance goals, of factors such as aerobic endurance, skating technique, sprint power, and lactic endurance, and how much of my limited time and energy I should spend on each?
Besides, what do I care if I'm a couple of milliliters low on my fluid balance if I just put in 35 hours of work last week in order to support my unreasonable speedskating lifestyle? You want to know why I'm underperforming? That's a major part of the answer. Can you help your athletes meet their basic needs before paying a salary for someone to come in and weigh their urine, or will you just laugh in your skaters' faces when they say they need to feed and house themselves while they're training?
Watch out, world. With cutting-edge science like the Fluid Balance Protocol, the US Team is gonna get you!
Don't you love how often the word "Protocol" comes up in speedskating? I hope every time US Speedskating sees the word "Protocol," they think of me.
The moral of this story? Don't make an enemy of a person who can tell funny stories. Or, at the very least, don't leave your top-secret protocols where I can find them.
posted by Eva at 12:52 PM
<< Home