The Halloween Episode: Live and Uncut
"I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell."
- Harry S Truman
This post is about what scares people in my world. Halloween in Protocol World is fun because it's a day when I can pull out all the stops on the colorful and exaggerated metaphors for life in the world of speedskating!
Let's start with a few Protocol-themed Halloween costumes, inspired by my life in American speedskating. Two of these ideas also happen to be inspired by Japanese horror films.
The first costume idea is "Rodan the Flying Monster," as in, Rodan vs. Godzilla. Rodan is a supersonic flying beast, kind of like a pterodactyl, that makes an appearance in the old Godzilla movies. He also happens to have the first 5 letters of my last name.
Picture the following scene: It's late winter, on one of the 10,000 lakes of Minnesota; the exact lake is of no consequence. The weather has been warming up, so the ice on the lake is getting thin. The giant reptile Godzilla, wearing a US Speedskating sweatshirt, is standing in the middle of the lake, picking up skaters and separating them into piles labeled, "Wanted" and "Unwanted." Meanwhile, Rodan circles overhead, waiting for a chance to swoop down and peck at the thin ice beneath Godzilla's feet.
So how would you go about dressing up as Rodan the Flying Monster for Halloween? It's simple: Go to the Party America store and buy the Flight Attendant costume for $29.99. Sound incongruous? Check your premises: Play the role of the cute, rosy-cheeked flight attendant who does her job with cheerful efficiency, and this is what MOST of the world will see. However, I can guarantee that if US Speedskating wants to see a horrid, supersonic flying beast with radioactive breath, then this is what they will see.
Costume idea #2 is Samara, from The Ring. Samara is a little girl who gets thrown into a well by her adopted mother. The problem is, she won't stay dead, and she won't stay down there! She enters peoples' lives through a video tape that tells her story and leaves them seven days to live after they watch it.
The metaphor here refers to the rejection and discarding of a talented athlete by her own federation. The other day, I watched a video of recent time trials in Salt Lake City. "Who is that girl?" I thought, "She looks strong. Is this someone new I have to worry about at the trials?" It took me some time before I realized the person I was watching was me.
Every year, I feel like US Speedskating keeps on throwing me down into that well. Every season it seems like such a fight to struggle towards the light; climbing the wet, slippery walls on my way to the surface, only to have the people on top look down at me in disgust and stomp on my knuckles when my hands reach the final layer of stone.
I can think of at least one person who despises me because rather than making a tremendous breakthrough from the outside of USS, I keep grasping onto that last remaining spot on every World Cup team. A person like this should be reminded that every year I have to climb out of that same stinking well in order to claim that spot on the team.
To dress as Samara this Halloween, simply take your hair out of that wholesome pony tail and brush it down in front of your face.
The third Halloween costume idea comes directly from Qwest's "Spirit of Service in Action," right here in good old Salt Lake City. Now, you too can dress up like the infamous DEX Phone Book!
Dex is scary because Dex Knows All. When asked a question, Dex can neither lie nor hide information, and as such, he is the ideal mascot for the sport of metric speedskating.
For your Dex Phone Book costume, you will need a large cardboard box. Cut the box into a single long sheet that you can fold in half. Cut out a hole for your head in the center of the fold, so that the sheet rests on your shoulders and falls on either side. Use yellow, blue and black paint to replicate the design of the Qwest Dex phone directory.
Of course, if you're one of those Salt Lake City long track skaters who lives under the viaduct, then you know that those big cardboard boxes are hard to come by. In that case, be sure to use your neighbor's house for your costume, rather than your own.
And now, I will end my scary Halloween post with a special transmission from Lake Wobegone for the Minnesota Mafia and all like-minded "Thugs-In-Spirit:"
"A Curse:
May your soul be forever tormented by fire and your bones be dug up by dogs and dragged through the streets of Minneapolis."
-Garrison Keillor
"I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell."
- Harry S Truman
This post is about what scares people in my world. Halloween in Protocol World is fun because it's a day when I can pull out all the stops on the colorful and exaggerated metaphors for life in the world of speedskating!
Let's start with a few Protocol-themed Halloween costumes, inspired by my life in American speedskating. Two of these ideas also happen to be inspired by Japanese horror films.
The first costume idea is "Rodan the Flying Monster," as in, Rodan vs. Godzilla. Rodan is a supersonic flying beast, kind of like a pterodactyl, that makes an appearance in the old Godzilla movies. He also happens to have the first 5 letters of my last name.
Picture the following scene: It's late winter, on one of the 10,000 lakes of Minnesota; the exact lake is of no consequence. The weather has been warming up, so the ice on the lake is getting thin. The giant reptile Godzilla, wearing a US Speedskating sweatshirt, is standing in the middle of the lake, picking up skaters and separating them into piles labeled, "Wanted" and "Unwanted." Meanwhile, Rodan circles overhead, waiting for a chance to swoop down and peck at the thin ice beneath Godzilla's feet.
So how would you go about dressing up as Rodan the Flying Monster for Halloween? It's simple: Go to the Party America store and buy the Flight Attendant costume for $29.99. Sound incongruous? Check your premises: Play the role of the cute, rosy-cheeked flight attendant who does her job with cheerful efficiency, and this is what MOST of the world will see. However, I can guarantee that if US Speedskating wants to see a horrid, supersonic flying beast with radioactive breath, then this is what they will see.
Costume idea #2 is Samara, from The Ring. Samara is a little girl who gets thrown into a well by her adopted mother. The problem is, she won't stay dead, and she won't stay down there! She enters peoples' lives through a video tape that tells her story and leaves them seven days to live after they watch it.
The metaphor here refers to the rejection and discarding of a talented athlete by her own federation. The other day, I watched a video of recent time trials in Salt Lake City. "Who is that girl?" I thought, "She looks strong. Is this someone new I have to worry about at the trials?" It took me some time before I realized the person I was watching was me.
Every year, I feel like US Speedskating keeps on throwing me down into that well. Every season it seems like such a fight to struggle towards the light; climbing the wet, slippery walls on my way to the surface, only to have the people on top look down at me in disgust and stomp on my knuckles when my hands reach the final layer of stone.
I can think of at least one person who despises me because rather than making a tremendous breakthrough from the outside of USS, I keep grasping onto that last remaining spot on every World Cup team. A person like this should be reminded that every year I have to climb out of that same stinking well in order to claim that spot on the team.
To dress as Samara this Halloween, simply take your hair out of that wholesome pony tail and brush it down in front of your face.
The third Halloween costume idea comes directly from Qwest's "Spirit of Service in Action," right here in good old Salt Lake City. Now, you too can dress up like the infamous DEX Phone Book!
Dex is scary because Dex Knows All. When asked a question, Dex can neither lie nor hide information, and as such, he is the ideal mascot for the sport of metric speedskating.
For your Dex Phone Book costume, you will need a large cardboard box. Cut the box into a single long sheet that you can fold in half. Cut out a hole for your head in the center of the fold, so that the sheet rests on your shoulders and falls on either side. Use yellow, blue and black paint to replicate the design of the Qwest Dex phone directory.
Of course, if you're one of those Salt Lake City long track skaters who lives under the viaduct, then you know that those big cardboard boxes are hard to come by. In that case, be sure to use your neighbor's house for your costume, rather than your own.
And now, I will end my scary Halloween post with a special transmission from Lake Wobegone for the Minnesota Mafia and all like-minded "Thugs-In-Spirit:"
"A Curse:
May your soul be forever tormented by fire and your bones be dug up by dogs and dragged through the streets of Minneapolis."
-Garrison Keillor
posted by Eva at 8:26 AM
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