The Protocol Code of Conduct
"There she goes with her insults again. I wonder who it's gonna be next?"
Well, it's time to stop wondering; time to stop living in fear! I'm going to tell you exactly what you need to do in order to avoid being written up on The Protocol!
Didn't I say not too long ago that I was ready to start writing about my journey to Torino? Maybe I'd really like to write about something positive and inspirational for a change. But has it occurred to anyone that maybe this is My Journey Towards Torino?
Can I help it if I'm at my best when I'm writing satire? Can I help it if this sport continues to feed me such great material? Please! Stop giving me new material! Sometimes I almost want to shout, "Cease and desist!"
I'm sure some might accuse me of living in the past and not being able to get over the things that happened to me some time ago. Sorry to disappoint you, but this is not exactly what is on my mind on a daily basis. A much more accurate representation of how I really feel is this: It's much more about showing up at the Oval and, practically on a daily basis, seeing or hearing something that makes me say, "Are you f---ing kidding me?"
The worst thing for me is that despite all of the corruption I've witnessed in this sport, I have been unable to desensitize myself to it; meaning that every fresh example of it still socks me like a punch to the stomach. No matter how many times I see it, I can barely bring myself to expect it, much less to accept it.
Maybe I should just make peace with the fact that this isn't a world where one should rigorously adhere to some standards of morality. It's funny - I can take the pain of training and deal with the frustration of the inevitable, occasional poor results, but it is crap like this that makes the 18-hour retroviral mutagenesis assays of my grad school days look really appealing.
Really, I had thought that all of the actions for which I have criticized people were "common sense no-no's". However, it appears that I need to spell out in very clear, simple terms what people should do in order to avoid ending up on the Dark Side of The Protocol. I just want to make sure that, from now on, nobody gets offended without knowing WHY they have been offended!
So, here it is: The Protocol Code of Conduct. Or, if you prefer, "The Protocol for Not Ending Up on The Protocol."
1. Behave in an ethical manner.
2. Don't discriminate.
3. Don't act like a prima donna who holds his/her status over everyone's head.
4. Don't abuse your authority.
5. Don't be the donor or the recipient of undeserved favors. (No, wait. Let me make it easier for you: PLEASE DON'T MAKE YOUR FAVORITISM SO BLATANTLY OBVIOUS.)
6. Apply rules in the same way to everyone, with no exceptions.
7. Don't misrepresent the public image of yourself as an athlete, or of your organization.
These guidelines are very simple. These guidelines are very reasonable, logical, and consistent; everyone I've bashed thus far has been in violation of one or more of these principles! If I see you violating them, then there is a chance you might find yourself written up on The Protocol. If I see you violating them, then I reserve the right to hate your guts, if I should choose to do so.
Remember: This is not a Code of Conduct that you will be forced to sign. However, ignorance of the Code will not excuse anyone from the consequences of breaching it.
Take heart! Adhering to this Code can be done. There are plenty of people in the speedskating community who have yet to run afoul of The Protocol, and judging from their character, it is doubtful that they ever will. On the other hand, isn't it sad how many of the other sort I have encountered along the way? (Boo-hoo-hooo!!!)
You might ask yourself, "Where did she learn how to be such a smartass?" Suffice it to say, I learned from the best. Admit it - when I'm not skewering YOU, then you think I'm funny. If you are reading this, consider yourself warned! I'm not going away. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, gosh darn it, people like me!
"There she goes with her insults again. I wonder who it's gonna be next?"
Well, it's time to stop wondering; time to stop living in fear! I'm going to tell you exactly what you need to do in order to avoid being written up on The Protocol!
Didn't I say not too long ago that I was ready to start writing about my journey to Torino? Maybe I'd really like to write about something positive and inspirational for a change. But has it occurred to anyone that maybe this is My Journey Towards Torino?
Can I help it if I'm at my best when I'm writing satire? Can I help it if this sport continues to feed me such great material? Please! Stop giving me new material! Sometimes I almost want to shout, "Cease and desist!"
I'm sure some might accuse me of living in the past and not being able to get over the things that happened to me some time ago. Sorry to disappoint you, but this is not exactly what is on my mind on a daily basis. A much more accurate representation of how I really feel is this: It's much more about showing up at the Oval and, practically on a daily basis, seeing or hearing something that makes me say, "Are you f---ing kidding me?"
The worst thing for me is that despite all of the corruption I've witnessed in this sport, I have been unable to desensitize myself to it; meaning that every fresh example of it still socks me like a punch to the stomach. No matter how many times I see it, I can barely bring myself to expect it, much less to accept it.
Maybe I should just make peace with the fact that this isn't a world where one should rigorously adhere to some standards of morality. It's funny - I can take the pain of training and deal with the frustration of the inevitable, occasional poor results, but it is crap like this that makes the 18-hour retroviral mutagenesis assays of my grad school days look really appealing.
Really, I had thought that all of the actions for which I have criticized people were "common sense no-no's". However, it appears that I need to spell out in very clear, simple terms what people should do in order to avoid ending up on the Dark Side of The Protocol. I just want to make sure that, from now on, nobody gets offended without knowing WHY they have been offended!
So, here it is: The Protocol Code of Conduct. Or, if you prefer, "The Protocol for Not Ending Up on The Protocol."
1. Behave in an ethical manner.
2. Don't discriminate.
3. Don't act like a prima donna who holds his/her status over everyone's head.
4. Don't abuse your authority.
5. Don't be the donor or the recipient of undeserved favors. (No, wait. Let me make it easier for you: PLEASE DON'T MAKE YOUR FAVORITISM SO BLATANTLY OBVIOUS.)
6. Apply rules in the same way to everyone, with no exceptions.
7. Don't misrepresent the public image of yourself as an athlete, or of your organization.
These guidelines are very simple. These guidelines are very reasonable, logical, and consistent; everyone I've bashed thus far has been in violation of one or more of these principles! If I see you violating them, then there is a chance you might find yourself written up on The Protocol. If I see you violating them, then I reserve the right to hate your guts, if I should choose to do so.
Remember: This is not a Code of Conduct that you will be forced to sign. However, ignorance of the Code will not excuse anyone from the consequences of breaching it.
Take heart! Adhering to this Code can be done. There are plenty of people in the speedskating community who have yet to run afoul of The Protocol, and judging from their character, it is doubtful that they ever will. On the other hand, isn't it sad how many of the other sort I have encountered along the way? (Boo-hoo-hooo!!!)
You might ask yourself, "Where did she learn how to be such a smartass?" Suffice it to say, I learned from the best. Admit it - when I'm not skewering YOU, then you think I'm funny. If you are reading this, consider yourself warned! I'm not going away. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, gosh darn it, people like me!
posted by Eva at 7:40 AM
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