Ray C. Rodent Speaks on the Synergy of Knowledge and Power:
Today's guest on The Protocol is the legend of Novice Skater Development, Ray C. Rodent! Ray C., who has made several appearances on pamphlets of the now-defunct Amateur Speedskating Union, is here today to share his experiences training and competing on the elite level, which some of you may be fortunate enough to reach some day. Please welcome Ray C. Rodent:
Hi, kids! My name is Ray C. Rodent, and I'd like to speak to you about the practical application of doing blind research studies on unsuspecting athletes, for the benefit of future generations of speedskaters. I, myself, have participated in such a study.
When I first found out that the worst season of my speedskating career had been the result of an experiment done on me without my consent, I was pretty disturbed, but as time went on and the results of this study were implemented, I began to see the light and the purpose of it all.
I mean, sure, it wasn't fun at the time it was happening to me; I remember something like skating 40 seconds off my personal best in the 3K, then going home, having a couple of shots of Jagermeister on an empty stomach and crying myself to sleep listening to "Race Against Myself," asking the eternal question, "Why do I skate like shit?"
But recently I've found that all of my efforts have not been in vain. In fact, it has been brought to my attention that the training data collected on me has been used for the greater good. This information has apparently been used to develop an invincible protocol for producing optimal performance in national level allround skaters! I'm so proud of my role in the development of this protocol that I will share it with you now:
1. Recruit a talented team by taking advantage of the federation's threats to withhold benefits from skaters who choose other training programs.
2. Carry out your normal training plan.
3. Look puzzled as several skaters' performance declines.
4. A week before the Fall World Cup Trials, a talented new skater materializes out of nowhere. Drop your team - which is failing to perform as a result of your program, and give all of your attention to the new talent.
5. Help the new guy make the team at the expense of your own skaters.
6. Justify your actions to the team you abandoned.
---
So, kids, don't get the idea that Ray C. Rodent feels any resentment towards the "next generation of speedskaters," who were supposed to benefit from data collected on him. On the contrary, his heart aches for them and for their dreams.
Today's guest on The Protocol is the legend of Novice Skater Development, Ray C. Rodent! Ray C., who has made several appearances on pamphlets of the now-defunct Amateur Speedskating Union, is here today to share his experiences training and competing on the elite level, which some of you may be fortunate enough to reach some day. Please welcome Ray C. Rodent:
Hi, kids! My name is Ray C. Rodent, and I'd like to speak to you about the practical application of doing blind research studies on unsuspecting athletes, for the benefit of future generations of speedskaters. I, myself, have participated in such a study.
When I first found out that the worst season of my speedskating career had been the result of an experiment done on me without my consent, I was pretty disturbed, but as time went on and the results of this study were implemented, I began to see the light and the purpose of it all.
I mean, sure, it wasn't fun at the time it was happening to me; I remember something like skating 40 seconds off my personal best in the 3K, then going home, having a couple of shots of Jagermeister on an empty stomach and crying myself to sleep listening to "Race Against Myself," asking the eternal question, "Why do I skate like shit?"
But recently I've found that all of my efforts have not been in vain. In fact, it has been brought to my attention that the training data collected on me has been used for the greater good. This information has apparently been used to develop an invincible protocol for producing optimal performance in national level allround skaters! I'm so proud of my role in the development of this protocol that I will share it with you now:
1. Recruit a talented team by taking advantage of the federation's threats to withhold benefits from skaters who choose other training programs.
2. Carry out your normal training plan.
3. Look puzzled as several skaters' performance declines.
4. A week before the Fall World Cup Trials, a talented new skater materializes out of nowhere. Drop your team - which is failing to perform as a result of your program, and give all of your attention to the new talent.
5. Help the new guy make the team at the expense of your own skaters.
6. Justify your actions to the team you abandoned.
---
So, kids, don't get the idea that Ray C. Rodent feels any resentment towards the "next generation of speedskaters," who were supposed to benefit from data collected on him. On the contrary, his heart aches for them and for their dreams.
posted by Eva at 5:05 PM
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