Wounds Healed, Lessons Learned, and a Memento Mori for Personal Ambition:

"Surrender your inner novel and set your sights
on a couple of really searing letters to the editor."

-Dennis Hinkamp, from "Popular Advice - Updated"


My own innner Olympic novel was supposed to have a slightly twisted but still Disney-ish ending: Skate a victory lap to a song called "Defy You," and then nail my gold medal to somebody's bathroom wall. But just because it didn't end the way I wish it would have doesn't mean it was all for nothing. Or was it?

I'd like to think I made the speedskating world a better place. But the reality may be that my anger flashed for a brief moment and burned itself out, and while my speedskating dreams died and faded away, the "Good Old Big Shots" will continue to roam the earth in their Team USA parkas, terrorizing the good people of the sport and molding the federation into whatever form they want it to take.

Maybe the most I can hope for is not to bring about change, but merely to warn the next generation of young skaters.

But even if my comeback to this sport, and the writing that has come out of it, have been only for me, then it has still been worth the time and effort. I have managed to heal my own wounds.

The last time I quit speedskating -- after being blackballed at age 17 - my psychic wounds from this sport were like scabs that could be and were ripped open again and again. That would be a fairly good description of my 6 years of college and grad school.

This time, there are no fresh wounds. Only a scar remains: It no longer hurts, but it will always be there.

It doesn't even feel like five years have passed. In sloughing off the dead skin of a burned-out amateur athlete, I feel like I'm opening my eyes after a one-night bout with food poisoning. Yes, unfortunately, "the entire pie has been tainted." I can't even skate recreationally any more.

For some reason, I am at peace with the way things turned out. Speedskating is no longer a cause to hate myself. I have fully internalized, not just with my mind but with every fiber of my being, that my self-worth is not tied up with my performance in this sport. I am no longer "possessed to skate."

Ironically, the thing that made me so much at peace was finding out just how truly evil U.S. Speedskating is; how few people within the sport I could actually trust; and finally - with the results of the 2006 Olympics - HOW DEAD WRONG THEY WERE ABOUT EVERYTHING.

No, I don't hate myself. I hate U.S. Speedskating, and no one who knows my story can blame me for hating them. I truly believe that I have not left this sport because I am too bad for it, but because I am too good. It is U.S. Speedskating that should not suffer such fools as gladly as it does, and it is U.S. Speedskating that should be sorry to lose someone like me.

The Last Race:

Before I leave speedskating, I'm going to skate one more weekend time trial at the Utah Olympic Oval. I'm signed up for the 1500 meters this Saturday.

I'm in no shape to race - not because I haven't been working out, but because I've been working out too much; using exercise as anger management therapy. I've been trying to "get it out of my system" before starting work next week.

Also, I must admit I've been enjoying skating at the Oval while the Olympic Team has been away! In fact, that's the main reason why I'm going to race this weekend: Because it's my last chance to race while they're gone.

Though I came back to speedskating on a recreational level after failing to make the Olympic Team back in December, I won't be able to skate any more after this weekend. Because of all that has transpired between that time and the women's 1500 meter event in Torino, my anger towards some of those coaches and administrators is so strong that I feel the need to remove myself from the speedskating environment.

Woe is Me; I'm Sponsor-Free!

My mom tells me that when I was 16 years old and missed making my first Junior Category 1 team by 0.038 of a samalog point over 4 races, I said, "I'd give a piece of my own skin for one of those USA skins!"

And, when I made my first World Cup Team in 2001 and got a HUGE box of free Nike clothes, I felt like Christmas had come a couple of months early!

Now, I'm just happy to be able to wear and/or promote whatever I want. So, here are some of my choices:

Running shoes: SAUCONY

Cell phone service: T-MOBILE

High-Speed Internet: COMCAST

Winter parka: COLUMBIA

Favorite T-Shirt: "NITRO RECORDS"

A Final Message to the Nameless Ones:

This goes out to all the good people of the sport of speedskating who are afraid to speak out against the federation. What you need to do is to find a way to find common ground, gather together, and speak out. Find strength in numbers.

Many of you think that the only way to protect your children is to stay on the good side of those who tyrannize you; to maintain their trust. Have you ever thought of completely restructuring the system? Look at the mess that has been made of the women's Olympic Long Track Team this year. How much longer will you allow this to go on?

I have stuck my neck out repeatedly to tell the truth, because I am not capable of living a lie. I can't kiss the asses of people I hate. In my speedskating career, I have lived according to my own rules, where the only things that mattered were the electronic timing system and my middle finger in their face.

I had hoped I could be a catalyst for change within the sport of speedskating. But I have found that every time I turned around, there was no one behind me! Now you are on your own.

Next week, I'm starting a new full-time job and will be leaving the life of an athlete behind. In the extremely unlikely case that I would ever compete seriously in speedskating again, I would compete for another country. U.S. Speedskating will no longer be relevant to my life.

I will leave you with The Protocol's List of Things That Must Go: If you can identify the following people by the screw-ups they have made, then you are on your way.

1. This person is a pawn of the Minnesota Mafia, with a backwards vision for the future of the sport.

2. The only thing that future generations of speedskaters learned from this person's "experiments" is that they don't want him as a coach.

3. It is said that "He knows what's right, but won't say anything." If somebody's dog took a dump in this person's living room, he would pretend it wasn't there, and would hope that the smell would go away on its own.

4. This person is a "wanna-be Big Shot" with no substance behind his arrogance. Botching the Qwest sponsorship deal was his biggest mistake.

Final Questions and Suggestions for U.S. Speedskating:

I know you won't take it from me, and you won't take it from The Protocol. You don't want to admit you're wrong, even in consideration of your performance at the 2006 Olympics. But here are my final suggestions for how to improve this sport.

1. Do you really want to grow the sport? Do you really want to attract more skaters? Because I don't think you do. Why don't you re-think your attitude toward new skaters? Do you see them as "outsiders" and "intruders"? You should also adjust your attitude toward your star athletes, so that they will want to help recruit new kids to the sport. The first thing that comes to a champion athlete's mind should not be how much they hate and resent their federation, but rather how grateful they are for their federation's help and support.

2. A speedskating federation should be DEMOCRATIC, not TOTALITARIAN. All board positions should be subject to review and voting. Hold administrators and coaches accountable for their performance. Hold the federation accountable for representing the best interest of its members, and for staying true to its own mission statements! Make sure all selection committees are impartial, free from conflicts of interest, and accountable to SOMEONE for their decisions.

3. Do you, U.S. Speedskating, realize how many of your former athletes hate you? Do you understand the consequences of this animosity? Does this bother you? Do you realize how much of it is YOUR FAULT for being arbitrary, vicious, and unfair?

4. Do you mislead your sponsors and the USOC about how you spend the money they give you? Do you mislead your sponsors about WHAT THEY WILL GET for the money they give you?

5. Realize that the main obstacle for almost all elite speedskaters is financial. Either give them the freedom to find their own sponsors, or find sponsors as a federation that will give them what they need. DO NOT EXPECT THEM TO BE WALKING BILLBOARDS FOR YOUR SPONSORS, WHILE GETTING NOTHING IN RETURN. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

6. Please realize that calling in special favors for certain individual athletes damages the credibility of the federation.

7. Examine your personal motives for being a sports administrator.

Not Sending a Full Team: Another Reason Why it was the Wrong Decision

As I've discussed previously, U.S. Speedskating only sent 8 women to the Olympics in long track when they could have sent up to 10. I've already talked about 2 reasons why this was wrong:

1. At least one of the potential additions was a stronger pursuit skater than Amy Sannes.

2. For the first time in history, an American Olympic speedskating race entry went unused, because the U.S. could only find 3 women to enter into the 1500 meters, when they were supposed to enter 4.

In addition, RECENT INFORMATION HAS COME OUT THAT SEVERAL U.S. WOMEN'S TEAM MEMBERS WERE SUFFERING FROM CHRONIC INJURIES AND WERE BARELY HOLDING THEIR COMPETITION SEASON TOGETHER. In the context of this knowledge, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT SENDING A FULL TEAM OF 10 WOMEN WHEN THE OPTION WAS AVAILABLE.

Shall We Declare a National Holiday?

Tom Cushman stated that he takes full responsibility for Jen Rodriguez's underperformance at the 2006 Olympics. That's a first.

It never became real UNTIL IT HAPPENED TO JEN. Too bad- this was a lesson he should have learned 3 seasons ago.

Let's not forget: The fact that Maria Lamb and Clay Mull failed to qualify for the Olympics in the 3K and 5K, respectively, is appalling. And the fact that Paul Dyrud didn't even approach his personal bests is totally unacceptable.

Ray C. Rodent Has the Last Laugh:

This is all I'm going to say about the women's 1500 meters today. To the so-called "Brain Trust" of U.S. Speedskating, I hope you are enjoying living the nightmare.

Conspiring Around a Conspiracy: From the Olympic Team Selection Criteria to the Team Selection Committee Meeting

I'm going to share with you now the way I planned my 2005-06 competition season, in consideration of the Olympic Team selection criteria. I'm also going to talk about how U.S. Speedskating shot themselves in the foot with the decisions that went down at the final team selection meetings.

Not long after the Olympic Team selection criteria became available, I made a post about how they were so long, detailed, and involved that they were "scarier than an organic chemistry exam." But upon reviewing them on my way to the Fall World Cup Qualifier, I found that they boiled down to this idea:

"The Olympic team will be nominated by a selection committee, taking into account both the results at the Olympic Trials and results at the Fall World Cups."

I realized from reading the selection criteria that U.S. Speedskating was trying to make it sound like the Trials were the most important. But I also knew that Fall World Cups could be used as leverage against someone they didn't want on the team. I knew that I would have to both beat their favorites at the Fall World Cups and at the Olympic Trials in order to stand a chance against the selection committee.

My plan was to reduce my training load only slightly in the fall, and hope it would be good enough to compete decently at the Fall World Cups, and then throw in a major taper before the Trials. By the end of the World Cups, I was ahead of Sannes in points in the 1000 meters, which was good; even though I was disappointed in my skating, overall. Ochowicz was still ahead of me, but her performance was falling off towards the end of the trip, and I felt if I came out ahead of her at the trials, then this could be argued in my favor.

My pre-Olympic Trials taper did not give me as great results as I'd hoped, and though I didn't qualify for the team, I was in the first alternate position for the 500 meters, and also was the next in line to get added to the Team Pursuit.

Now, this is very important, because it is where I decided to end my career. I had prepared my official retirement notice, but the actual decision to retire came when I handed that notice in to Andy Gabel after my last 1000-meter race at the Trials, when I knew exactly where I stood.

I realized at that point that I still had a chance to be added to the Olympic Team. After all, there were additional spots available for the Team Pursuit, and there was also the chance that someone might give up their spot in the 500 (like what happened in 2002.) But I didn't want that! First of all, I posted before about not wanting to participate in the Team Pursuit. Secondly, I didn't want to make the team on anyone's "charity." Third, I DIDN'T WANT TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO CORRUPT POLITCAL DECISIONS, such as what ended up happening in the choice not to take extra women for the Team Pursuit. I will go into that.

The only way I wanted to make the Olympic Team was the way that didn't happen for me, and that is to have an awesome race at the Trials, blow everybody away, fair and square, and put myself beyond the reach of the people who want to screw me over. That didn't happen, and I was willing to accept THIS KIND OF DEFEAT -- the true defeat of pushing your body to its limit, knowing you tried your best, and falling short of your goal. I wanted to skate 1:15.5 at the Trials. I thought about it all year long, and it didn't happen for me. Tough.

After the Long Track Olympic Team selection committee met and decided to add 2 men to the Team Pursuit, making the men's team a full 10 skaters, and decided NOT to add 2 additional women, leaving the women's team at 8 skaters when they could have taken 10, I heard that some of the people on the Yahoo Skatelist were puzzled about this decision. So, I posted my interpretation, saying that the next women in line were "politically unacceptable choices." But I also said that I thought they should have added Nancy Swider-Peltz Jr. Now, in consideration that the U.S. neglected to enter its quota of 4 skaters in the women's 1500, entering only three, I see that this decision not to add at least one additional skater has hurt them.

One thing that I didn't want to talk about before, but that I WILL bring up now because it turned out to be a real issue, is the "necessity" of entering Amy Sannes in the Team Pursuit. Ever since the first meeting where USS set up Pursuit practice back in September, I believed from the way they were setting up the teams that what Crowe was hoping to get out of all of this was "an easy medal for his favorite girl." And I wanted no part of that!!!

Sure enough, his strategy was to put Sannes into one of the early-round races, hope she muddled through, and that the "good skaters" would be able to handle the later rounds well enough to medal, and that after all the investment that Crowe and USS had made in Sannes, she'd finally get to hang some hardware around her neck.

What I want to know is, TO WHOM IS THE OLYMPIC TEAM SELECTION COMMITTEE ACCOUNTABLE? This seems like such a totalitarian system! Who makes sure it is fair? Also, why is it that this committee of 5 people includes three who have a conflict of interest: Tom Cushman, Ryan Shimabukuro, and Mike Crowe all have their own skaters and agendas to promote. The selection committee should be comprised of impartial voters, rather than being made up of a majority with a vested interest in U.S. Speedskating National Team skaters.

By the way, at this point I'd like to thank Ryan for holding the lap board and the turn cable for me, and also to say that I know he was fighting against me in the pairings at the Olympic Trials, by arguing that the top 4 women (Jen, Chris, Elli, and Amy) should be in their own, separate grouping for the draw. The coach who fought for me (and Erin Porter) in that situation was Andrei Zhuikov, the man who rightfully takes the credit for bringing Maria Lamb up to the level of international competition.

Ryan, I know you were only doing your job, and that you'd be in fear of losing your job if you stood up for me in such a situation. What I hope is that eventually U.S. Speedskating will change to the point where you won't have to think twice about doing what's right, and won't have to do things behind a skater's back in order to keep your job. Once again, I don't blame you, I only blame the system. But this is the system, and the whole world must know about it.

So, here's what ended up happening at the Olympic Games: The women's pursuit was an organizational disaster, even though they could have medaled with the people they sent, if the USS staff had planned properly.

And, USS ended up without enough women to enter the 1500 meters, which I hope turns out to be a major humiliation for U.S. Speedskating. Certainly, by now, this horribly corrupt and incompetent sports federation has reached critical mass for a major shake-up.

Pardon my Tourette's Syndrome!

This time, you motherfuckers have gone too far. For the first time in history, U.S. Speedskating has declined a spot at the Olympic Games. Despite having qualified 4 women for the 1500 meters, THEY HAVE ONLY ENTERED THREE. Check the pairings on the Torino2006 web site!

You're telling me that when Chris Witty declined her spot because she has not been skating well, there was no one to take her place? Why didn't one of the next women in line step up?

U.S. Speedskating could have sent a full team of 10 women, but they chose to only send eight. Now, there is a spot in the 1500 meters that will go unused.

Crowe, Cushman, and everyone else: WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!! THIS IS THE BIG SHOW!!! THIS IS YOUR ONE AND ONLY GOAL, AND YOU ARE BLOWING IT BIG TIME!!! Something has to give. HEADS SHOULD ROLL FOR THIS ATROCITY!!!

Can you believe how far these incompetent idiots have gone? Do you see how they are cutting off their nose to spite their face? Do you see that this happened initially because they wanted to prevent someone named Eva Rodansky from being able to call herself an Olympian? Do you see that this is completely fucking retarded, because I was already retired by that point? Couldn't they have added Nancy Swider-Peltz Jr. to the team?

This is more of a humiliation for the U.S. Speedskating Team than I could possibly imagine. Those girls don't want to race the 1500 because they're tired of hearing how badly the American women have been sucking, and they don't want to embarrass themselves. THEY ARE SCARED!! They're already Olympians. Why should they have to race? That's not the point, right? They've gotten what they wanted out of it - now it's time to party.

No Medals for U.S. Speedskating Today!

Do you like how I put that? I didn't say, "No medals for American speedskaters in the men's 1500," because that would be a lie. But neither silver medalist Shani Davis nor bronze medalist Chad Hedrick can rightfully be claimed by U.S. Speedskating, who had nothing to do with their success.

Don't get me wrong - by the time the Spring Board Meeting comes around, U.S. Speedskating is going to be milking all of the American medalists for all they're worth, claiming them as their own and saying what a great Olympics it was.

So far, alternative training programs have produced twice as many medals as the U.S. Speedskating National Team program!! The National Team has produced only one skater, who has won two medals, and that is Joey Cheek, from Ryan Shimabukuro's sprint team. Tom Cushman's Allround program has yet to win a medal in the Torino Games, as do any of the American women.

Team Pursuit News, Worth Mentioning:

Unforgiveable disorganization and lack of leadership on the part of U.S. Speedskating staff probably cost the American women a medal in the team pursuit. You bastards know exactly what I'm talking about, and you have proven once again that you do not even deserve your own athletes.

WHOSE BACK IS AGAINST THE WALL NOW, U.S. SPEEDSKATING???

These are the American women's results from the 1000 meters today:

10th: Jen Rodriguez
25th: Amy Sannes
27th: Chris Witty
32nd: Elli Ochowicz

No medals.

For anyone who has been wondering whether my gripes about problems within USS are just "sour grapes," here is your answer. Barring a miracle, Tom Cushman's USS Allround team will go home without a single Olympic medal. Barring a miracle, the entire U.S. women's long track speedskating contingent will go home without a medal.

For the longest time, U.S. Speedskating has managed to hide behind its medalists. Sometimes, they can get away with hiding a lot of crap on the back end of the team, as long as someone is holding up the front end and getting on the podium. But what happens when their one and only medal hopeful isn't skating well, and they have no depth in their team because they have failed to develop it?

Tell me now that the USS administrators and coaches know how to determine who has talent and who doesn't. Tell me they made good decisions. Tell me they know whom to protect and which way to throw their support.

I'm so glad I'm not one of the American female middle distance skaters competing in the Olympics right now, and I'll tell you why. It has to do with a phenomenon that I'll call "Skating for the Enemy:" (I wonder if Shani knows what I mean?)

Ever since I came back to this sport, U.S. Speedskating has been trying to weed me out. At various times, they saw me as an experimental guinea pig, a waste of resources, a threat to their favorites, and a no-talent. Some people say that metric speedskating is an absolute, and that things people say, think, or believe about you do not influence the final result. I'm sorry, but that just isn't the case. It makes a concrete difference whether I'm working 30 hours a week because I only get paid for the hours I'm punched in on the clock, while a "teammate" of mine gets a paycheck whether she works or not. It makes a difference, mentally, when it's hammered into you by your own federation that you are a worthless piece of shit.

Peter Mueller and Boris Vasilkovsky thought I had the talent to take this sport as far as I wanted, but I had to deal instead with the reality of having my potential rejected by the likes of Mike Crowe, Tom Cushman, and Andy Gabel. Their rejection had real consequences on the sustainability of my speedskating career.

Now, in terms of how the American women are doing, you can't convince me that these people are capable of building a strong women's team. They have failed utterly and miserably, and I hope they will be held accountable for their failure.

When you rig the fight between skaters within a country, you end up with some people who get undeserved favors, and others who keep getting backstabbed and stomped on. Eventually, it no longer matters who ends up going to an international competition -- whether it's the undeserving favorite or the backstabbed "whipping girl," NEITHER ONE WILL BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND THE REST OF THE WORLD.

I'm glad I'm not in Torino right now. I WOULD HAVE SUCKED THERE MYSELF!!! I'm not sitting here wishing I were racing. I'm not raring to go. I feel worn out, defeated, and FED UP!!! If I had somehow squeaked by and gone 0.09 faster in the 1000 meter at the Olympic Trials, U.S. Speedskating would have wrapped me up in the latest Nike spandex, and I would have gone to the starting line feeling like I had a knife in my back and a lingering voice in my mind saying,

"I will not perform for my own destroyers.
I will not perform for my own destroyers."


Let other people answer the media's questions about why the American women aren't winning. Let Sannes answer why she is competing in her 3rd Olympics and placing ELEVEN spots lower than she did in her 2nd Olympics, and why U.S. Speedskating went so far out of their way to make it so damn easy for her to stick around for the last four years.

You people think you're fighting ME, when all of a sudden you're broadsided by the likes of Marianne Timmer, Cindy Klassen, Anni Freisinger, Irene Wust....and you stand there looking shocked, saying, "Where did that come from???"

Open wide, U.S. Speedskating, and take a giant gulp of your own rotten medicine.

Shani's victory is his alone.

I haven't been watching too much Olympic TV coverage, but I did watch the men's 1000 meters tonight. I saw that the media people were wondering about Shani's refusal to give interviews before the event, and the very short answers he gave following his victory. "Shani, are you angry?" asked the perky blonde reporter. He said no; he was fine.

How can these people even begin to understand what Shani must be going through? Sure, it's great to win an Olympic gold medal, but the meaning of what Shani has done will be twisted in several different ways to fit several different agendas.

As I said in my previous post, U.S. Speedskating will try to take credit for Shani's victory. They have done nothing to help this athlete win, and in fact, have done everything possible to make things more difficult for him. How do you think Shani feels about "winning the gold for U.S. Speedskating?"

The Olympic media love to say, "How does it feel to win this medal for your country?" Well, in truth, the USA only cares about speedskating for 2 weeks every 4 years. And, besides that, most of the American people aren't aware of how horribly the federation known as U.S. Speedskating discriminates against some of its athletes. The American people do not hold U.S. Speedskating accountable for what they've done to athletes like Shani, or like me. So, how do you think Shani must feel about the view that he's "bringing the gold home to the USA?"

Shani is the first African-American to win a medal in an individual Winter Olympic event. But all his life, Shani has faced ridicule from fellow African-Americans for participating in such a "white person's sport" as speedskating. How do you think Shani feels about his breakthrough role in the sport?

It's all very conflicting and complicated. The whole situation is not easy to explain. It certainly cannot be neatly packaged into a typical "feel-good victory interview."

I just hope it gets more people interested in the problems within U.S. Speedskating.

The Olympic Progress Report Continues:

Who is that guy who won the men's 1000 meter long track race today? That's Shani Davis. That's the guy who had to sue his own federation this past season to be allowed into a national team training camp that was funded by the USOC.

Why do people criticize Shani for deciding not to skate the team pursuit because he was focusing on his own events? Excuse me, but Shani does not owe U.S. Speedskating JACK SHIT. Besides, they were trying to keep him out of training camps in the first place, so when would he have had a time to practice with the rest of the pursuit team?

It's bad enough that U.S.S. is going to try to take credit for Shani's gold medal. The only shred of credit that U.S. Speedskating can take for Shani's success is in that part of him that was motivated by his anger against them. This is a federation that has only been trying to hold Shani back and take things away from him.

Joey Cheek took the silver; good for him! It is becoming apparent that Joey is going to be the only male Olympic long track medalist prepared by a U.S. National Team program for the Torino Games.

So far, the medal count per program looks like this:

U.S. Speedskating/ Ryan Shimabukuro: 1 gold, 1 silver (both won by Joey Cheek)

Utah Oval FAST Program: 1 gold (Chad Hedrick)

Calgary: 1 gold (Shani Davis)

Life Takes a 180-Degree Turn:

I've gone on a couple of interviews at local research labs, and it looks like I'll have a job very soon. I am really looking forward to starting my new life in the real world of the gainfully employed, and leaving the illogical world of amateur athletics far behind.

It's amazing how different things are outside the country club atmosphere of U.S. Speedskating. When I went on my interviews, there was talk of how my C.V. stood out; how my experience and skills would fit into the lab's projects; which person would show me around the lab and get me started so that I could start contributing to the goals of the lab.

Funding for science is hard to come by these days, mostly due to Dubya's "extracurricular activities." If a lab wants to hire a technician, they're going to do everything they can to make sure that person succeeds, because the techincian's motivation to make experiments work and to have their name on a published paper is in line with the goals of the lab.

Such a lab is not going to do the equivalent of sending an injured athlete to the starting line at an international competition. And the lab boss certainly wouldn't think of going around behind the technician's back, switching the labels on reagent bottles, "just to see what happens" when the person sets up an experiment the next day. But this is what life was like for me in U.S. Speedskating.

My life as a speedskater was like treading water in a rough sea, wearing ankle weights, trying to scale a slippery wall of rock while some people standing on the ledge up above were throwing bricks at my head, and others were standing there watching me drown, just for fun. Now that I've left that oppressive environment, I have people telling me that I should be applying for the Lab Specialist positions, because with all the skills I have, I don't need to be starting as an entry-level Lab Tech after all.

It is true that, in speedskating, I was only able to handle about three times the adversity as the Chosen Ones, but not ten times the adversity. If anyone wants to say that I'm weak or that I'm a loser because I could only overcome three times the adversity but not ten, then they are welcome to do so. This is no longer my problem.

But considering the results of U.S.S.'s programs so far this season, they may have to think about whether their clannishness, their unwelcoming attitudes, aversion to development of the sport, and their treatment of some skaters as "intruders" are truly serving them in the achievement of their own goals and mission statement.

Medals Per Program:

Chad's gold medal on the first day of competition gave me an idea for another statistic worth keeping. I'll update this post as more results come in. So far, the FAST Program has one gold, and U.S. Speedskating has zero.

(After all, since the U.S. Speedskating administrators were the first ones to insist on this separation, why don't we just keep it going?)

By the end of the Games, we'll be able to calculate exactly how many medals were won by athletes who'd have gotten their hands smacked if they reached into the tubs of Clif Bars and Accelerade that were so prominently on display throughout the high performance sessions at the Utah Olympic Oval all season long!

---

2/12/06: Day 2 has come and gone, and so far, Cushman's long distance program is getting an "F" for "Failure." Both days, his skaters finished last among the Americans; in each case, they were outdone by athletes from the dreaded "alternative programs." I'm just sorry that this had to happen to K.C. Boutiette and Kristine Holzer. Neither of them skated up to their potential, and a lot of that has to come down to season planning and when to taper.

When I wrote about how angry I was that when I trained with the U.S. Allround program, half our team's seasons were trashed "for the purpose of data collection on overtraining," one thing I said was that I didn't believe that the coach had the ability to analyze that data and put it to use. Now, my friends are not skating well in Torino, and I barely have the heart to say, "I told you so."

---

2/13/06: Congratulations to Joey Cheek on winning the gold in the 500 meters today! Score one gold medal for U.S. Speedskating's sprint team. Good for Joey, good for his coach, Ryan Shimabukuro, and good for that whole team of guys who worked so well together for the past two seasons.

Joey's victory shows that a skater from an Allround background can be trained not just to be a decent sprinter, but to actually win an Olympic gold medal in the shortest event. As the 2006 World Sprint Champion, Joey also shows that you don't have to treat the World Sprints as a write-off in order to perform well a few weeks later at the Olympic Games.

And, in the unlikely case that Harvard didn't want to accept Joey before, they'll surely want him now that he's an Olympic gold medalist!

---

2/14/06: "INDIFFERENCE" is the word of the day. I don't think anybody really cares what I have to say right now, but I'm going to say it anyway. I also don't think anybody cares that the USA hasn't had a women's 500 meter skater since Bonnie Blair.

It's just too easy to say, "Well, the 500 isn't Jen's best event, anyway." It's true, but why does it have to be up to Jen? Jen is a strong medal contender in the 1000 and 1500. But that is not the reason why we don't have a women's sprint team.

We don't have a women's sprint team because of the toxic, team-wrecking friendship between the program director and one of his athletes.

Oh, yes, my friends; the results of my "Not Worth Protecting" experiment are coming in. With a 17th-place finish in today's 500 meter event, Amy Sannes has proven that despite all of the special favors and attention paid to her by U.S. Speedskating over the years, she has never risen above middle-of-the-pack mediocrity. According to the criteria I posted on February 8th, Sannes finds herself well within the range of NWP, or "Not Worth Protecting."

After all the years of sticking her nose in the air about being so much better than everybody else; of not wanting to skate in a group with anyone other than Jen and Witty; the result of this 2006 Olympic 500 meter race is just a speck in a huge body of "NWP" data collected over the years.

Don't take my word for it, if you think I'm just a sore loser. Skaters have been leaving Crowe's team since the late 1990's because of favoritism towards Sannes. Ask those who have been around since that time.

I'm not saying that I or another skater could have done better at these Olympics! All I'm saying is that for the effort and expense involved, 17th place wasn't worth it. Creating such animosity in the team dynamic was not worth it. But, again, I don't think anybody cares! U.S. Speedskating doesn't care. I don't think the USOC cares. I don't think the American people care. I don't even think the people at the Home Depot OJOB program care that they paid somebody $20,000 to mix a few cans of paint between attending 6 weeks' worth of out-of-town training camps, working volunteer hours at a veterinary clinic, and, finally, skating like this.

The funniest thing about favoritism is that by wielding his power to give Sannes so much protection, Crowe was admitting that he didn't believe she would be able to make it on her own.

The saddest thing about favoritism is that it destroyed any possibility of building a strong women's sprint team. And the reason why we don't have a women's sprint team has just gone out there and proven that all of their destruction has gone in pursuit of failure.

The story of West Michigan short track skater Derek Gray reminds us of the consequences of not being seen as a serious contender by one's own federation.

One of my friends from Muskegon, Michigan, read me a newspaper article about my former WMSC teammate, Derek Gray, who had a near-miss himself at the short track Olympic Trials in December. Though it will be hard for Derek to watch the Games on TV, he says he will still be cheering his friends on, as he continues his own training in hopes of making the Olympic Team in 2010.

Throughout his 8 years of training with the U.S. short track team, Derek has been frustrated by the politics involved in the sport. I can only imagine how much greater an impact politics can have on short track than on long track, and in long track it's bad enough! Derek has seen a lot of questionable calls by referees, and says that the National Team coaches tend to give almost all of their time to Apolo, because he is the star of the team, to the exclusion of other athletes.

After last season, Derek had seen enough, and decided to train in Canada with other coaches. He says that for the first time in years, he has a coach who actually pays attention to his skating, and even travels with him to competitions. With this new training situation in place, he is looking forward to making great improvements in the next 4 years.

When you join a national team, as I have learned, you can't just assume that the goal of the coaches and of the organization is to help YOU skate fast. It would seem logical that the coaches would want to help all of the skaters improve as much as they can, in order to improve the level of the entire team. But both Derek and I had to learn the hard way that this is not always the case.

Just as I was used for the purpose of data collection when I trained with the U.S. national allround team in 2003-04, Derek says that he was used only as a training partner for Apolo, without any concern for how he himself would perform in competition. That's not exactly what he and his family had in mind, throughout all the years of pain and sacrifice that they put into the sport of speedskating.

I have known Derek since he was less than two years old. He had to be the youngest kid ever to skate Mark Jastrzembski's Sunday Night Family Skate at the Walker Arena. Derek entered his first speedskating race at age 5, and since that time he has been skating his guts out, with his mom cheering him on from the sidelines!

I always hoped Derek would skate well. He's a guy who never gives less than his best. I would seriously throttle anyone who would suggest that Derek didn't make the Olympic Team because he didn't "want it" badly enough!!! Sometimes, it just doesn't work out.

It's hard when you are one of the "other national team skaters" and the stars (or those who aren't even stars but for some reason are favorites) are getting extra attention or special treatment. It's hard because if you are a highly motivated and driven athlete, you're trying your hardest every day to become the best skater you can possibly be. And, perhaps naively, you expect your coaches to support you in your effort to be the best.

Just because a skater isn't one of the "chosen ones" of his or her own country's national team program does not mean that person lacks talent. I've talked about the foreign coaches who thought I had a great deal of potential as a speedskater. I've talked about Norwegian skaters who feel frustrated at the methods used in their team selection process. And Derek Gray says he had to leave the country to find a training program that worked for him, and a coach who cared about his performance.

Good for Derek! Time is on his side, and his family continues to support him as he trains for the 2010 Olympics. I hope that his "fire within" continues to burn.

The path of the "un-favorites" is not an easy one. It takes extra commitment and an extra financial burden. Looking back on my own career, if I could have changed anything, and if I could have afforded it, I would have stayed with the FAST Program after the 2002-03 season, instead of going with the U.S. Allround program. But there was no way of knowing that the U.S. National Team did not care about all of its athletes skating fast, without experiencing this for myself. I hope that stories like mine and Derek's will be a warning to all young athletes.

Good Luck to All My American Speedskating Friends:

Change does not come easy within an organization like U.S. Speedskating. In fact, I often hear people say that "The only time U.S. Speedskating ever makes changes is after they've had a crappy Olympics." But even if you've been promoting change and hoping desperately for it, how can you wish "a crappy Olympics" on people whom you've gotten to know and like?

The attitude that U.S. Speedskating likes to take is, "Why should we change? We're winning medals, right?" I wish I could explain why the Americans have won so many medals in speedskating, despite having such a small base of athletes to choose from; despite promoting such an unwelcoming atmosphere; despite expecting athletes to take care of so much on their own; despite seemingly going out of their way to hold certain athletes down. I can't come up with the answer. It doesn't make sense.

So it doesn't matter to USS that they spread so much hate and cause people to become disloyal to the organization; that when so many of their former competitors leave the sport, they want nothing further to do with it. I find it unfortunate that the federation itself is so often "rewarded" at the Olympics by the performance of athletes who have done it more DESPITE USS, not THANKS TO.

Are you surprised that I have good things to say about my former teammates? Maybe you have a right to be surprised, from the things I've posted over the last year or so. The truth is, in my writings on U.S. Speedskating and "how evil they are," I did not intend to include the vast majority of these people. In the end, I've come to the conclusion that besides a few "wanna-be big shot administrators," the only people I can't stand are the program director and his favorite girl.

At this time last year, when we were traveling on the World Cups, I really thought Crowe was trying to be nice to everyone, even to me. But throughout the year that followed, when I heard some of the things he said to the press and compared them to his actual decisions about alternative-program athletes; when I started to feel like I had to make a run for the showers or hold my head over the toilet every time he wished me "good luck" before my races; I completely wrote him off for his two-facedness...

...and his favorite girl was just an unpleasant and selfish teammate!

I'm not going to allow my views on these two people to influence my thoughts on the rest of the team. So, here they are:

Shani and Chad: What I like about these two guys is the combination of their talent and strength, with the fact that THEY DON'T TRAIN WITH U.S. SPEEDSKATING PROGRAMS. These guys have the most potential to win medals for the USA. Also, U.S. Speedskating has not treated the two of them very well, and I don't think either one is afraid to admit it.

When I'm disappointed in the way my own speedskating career ended, I start to think, "What U.S. Speedskating really deserved is for me to have been as dominant as Eric Heiden, AND THEN to kick dirt in their faces." Then I realize that even if it wasn't meant to be for me to play this role, then maybe I can count on Chad and Shani to do it instead.

I also hope that Ryan Shimabukuro's sprinter guys do well. They're a good group of guys and let me skate with them after I qualified for the World Cups. Some of them wanted me to make the Olympic Team so much that my friends overheard them talking about one of the other girls on the team, saying, "I hope Eva kicks her ass." It didn't happen, but it was a nice thought.

Ryan deserves success as well; I really think he is a good coach and I'm sorry that in my writing against U.S. Speedskating, there were times when he felt like he was collateral damage in the "dirty bombs" I've been slinging against the federation.

Jen Rodriguez and K.C. Boutiette were great teammates, and I wish them all the success in the world.

I hope Catherine Raney does well, because she has been such a great example of how a skater who has been around for a long time can still make huge improvements; also because she trains outside of USS.

Kristine Holzer has been my friend throughout the years, and I'm so glad she has this chance to experience the Olympics before she gets on with the rest of her life.

Maria Lamb is a very tough young skater, and I'm sure she will do great.

Best of luck to Maggie Crowley, who (along with her family, her coach Nancy Swider-Peltz and her training partner Nancy Jr.) has come so far with so little help from U.S. Speedskating. I'm sure her awesome skating has shocked a lot of people this year.

Chris Witty is definitely a "big event skater." I hope she pulls out some great races in Torino. Some day, I'd like to ask her why she made that unexpected decision to leave U.S. Speedskating and train with the FAST Program this year.

I hope all the American skaters know that anything they achieve at the Olympic Games is THEIR OWN. I hope they realize how little credit the "big shot team-parka-wearing administrators" of U.S. Speedskating can actually claim for the success of their athletes. I hope that the rest of the world will come to see this as well.

What it Meant to be the "Lightning Rod" of U.S. Speedskating:

When I first started this blog, I thought it would be funny to give myself the "jock name" of Lightning Rod (from the first 3 letters of my last name and because, to me, it represented "getting struck" more than it represented going fast.) In the end, this image of the lightning rod turned out to be even more appropriate than I could ever have imagined.

It's funny because the highest level I ever reached in this sport was B-Group champion at the World Cup Final, making me only "sort-of lightning fast." But I continued to be "struck" by U.S. Speedskating right up until the very end.

The interesting thing was that I began to see the term "lightning rod" used in the media, to describe a politician or an athlete who was a controversial figure. I saw that the person who was called a "lightning rod" was someone who was willing to bring attention to difficult issues or problems, possibly at the expense of their own career, or at least at the risk of damaging the way they are perceived by others.

As I prepare to re-enter the real world of working people (I had my first interview at the Human Genetics Institute yesterday) I've been thinking about my leave of absence from graduate school and what I've accomplished throughout the last 5 years of devoting myself to competing internationally in speedskating...especially in terms of my eventual failure to make an Olympic Team before calling it quits.

As I talk to people I meet, I realize that it will be impossible to explain to most people what happened to me in speedskating. Even some of my closest friends in the sport can't seem to understand why I don't want to watch the Olympics!!! The only thing I can say to explain to people why I left the sport on such negative terms is, "It's complicated."

Even though I didn't make the Olympic Team, I still don't think the last 5 years have been a total waste, either in my enjoyment of what I was doing, or in what I've accomplished.

When I was in graduate school at a cancer research institute, all of my time was devoted to research and studying. Though I liked my career direction better than any other I could have chosen, I kind of resented the idea that I had to sacrifice my entire life to it, because I was "trying to cure cancer and save other people's lives."

To make matters worse, I was a total "endorphin junkie," and needed a great deal of physical exercise to stay sane. For example, I'd set up a polymerase chain reaction, and while it was running, I'd go skate laps around the parking lot on my inlines. Then I was told, "You know, you could be reading the literature while your PCR is running."

As I look back on my decision to come back to speedskating, I'd be satisfied to see the Olympics as nothing more than an excuse for working out 4-6 hours a day; something I could hold out to society as an acceptable goal that made it OK for me to leave cancer research for a while. It's not like I didn't have a chance in hell of making the team. I only missed it by 0.08 in the 1000 meters, after all.

I've mentioned before that having positive role models who defied society's expectations made it easier for me to pursue the life I wanted. What I haven't yet talked about is the person whose negative assessment of me turned out to be the final straw that sealed my decision to go on leave of absence to pursue speedskating.

When I was feeling depressed in grad school, I was referred to a psychologist through the school's health plan. I told this lady that I was depressed with my life and sad that I couldn't pursue speedskating because I had been blackballed. But, from somewhere way out in left field, she pulled her own interpretation of what was going on in my head. She told me, "Girls like you belong in the lab, because no man would ever want you."

I started to laugh, thinking she was telling a joke because I couldn't believe anyone would be serious about something like that. But then she went on, saying, "And if there ever was a panel of women scientists on TV, they wouldn't choose you, because no little girl would ever want to be like you, either."

After that appointment, I called to cancel any further sessions, telling her I was "cured" and didn't need her help any more. The bitch was so proud of herself.

That interaction made me very angry, but in the end it turned out to be exactly what I needed to finalize my decision to leave the lab for a while. I thought, "What she just put into words was this society's view of People Like Me. So, screw everybody else -- I'm going to go do WHAT I WANT for a while!"

Within a few months, I was training in Salt Lake City.

From the beginning of my comeback to the sport, I knew that U.S. Speedskating was a small world that had been hostile to me before. But in my first few years back, I acted as though my goals lined up with what supposedly were their goals: To help people skate fast and to send the best possible team to competitions.

As the years went on and I had some really bad experiences with the federation, I realized that it would not be possible for me to maintain the illusion that this sport was pure. My goals in the sport split in two: Either I would succeed despite every obstacle they intentionally put in my path, or I would tell the whole world the truth about how U.S. Speedskating operates. Or, of course, some combination of the two.

I began to study the culture of U.S. Speedskating as if it were a culture of bacteria in a Petri dish. The problem is that I got too involved with my subject matter. Even as I healed some of my old wounds in this sport, I made new ones along the way. I bought into the illusion of the Olympic Dream. I have to admit that the only time in my life that I've been truly happy is when I lived as if I believed it were possible for me to be a speedskating champion.

Even though I often resented my role as the "Lightning Rod;" the one who brings up the tough issues; the one who stirs up discontent; the one who tries hard and fails; I believe that my writing has done some good. I think I've put some ideas into people's heads, and some words into their mouths; words that were needed to describe problems that were either too vague or too disturbing for people to want to face.

In the world of medicine, anti-cancer chemotherapy drugs kill some healthy cells along with the malignant ones. From my perspective, the "immune system" of U.S. Speedskating has broken down, and as a result, the organization has become riddled with malignancies. If change is to come about, then the whole body has to feel a little bit sick in the process. The cure doesn't come easy, but there comes a point where the tumors can no longer be ignored.

As I return to the world of REAL cancer research, I don't think I'll want to be involved in sports politics at all. Other people can do it better - you know, the ones who don't feel so much hatred towards people who've destroyed their favorite dream! But maybe someday, (from a distance, of course) I'll hear that the first cancer I helped to cure was the cancer within U.S. Speedskating.

The "Not Worth Protecting" Experiment:

Unlike U.S. Speedskating, I don't need to use "post hoc analysis" in analyzing the data I collect. I'm not going to wait until the results come in, AND THEN once I know who finished where, tell you what selection criteria I'm using. No, I'm going to lay everything out in The Protocol before the last experiment even starts.

Since the most important criteria by which U.S. Speedskating measures how it's doing is its team's performance at the Olympic Games, then these results are also the criteria I'm going to use. What I would like to determine from this study is whether certain athletes who have been the recipients of favoritism were worth protecting. If I were to use a 3-letter acronym (similar to DSQ, DNS, or DNF for Disqualified, Did Not Skate, or Did Not Finish) I might use NWP, or "Not Worth Protecting."

In this experiment, I'm not trying to make comparisons between athletes. All I'm doing is determining how well a particular athlete's results at the Games met U.S. Speedskating's mission statement, in consideration of the favors that person received.

Because "winning Olympic medals" is the most important goal in the mission statement of U.S. Speedskating, I would say that the only way that a recipient of favoritism would be definitely worth protecting would be if that person won an Olympic medal. This doesn't mean that it was right, fair, or ethical to give that person special treatment, only that it helped USS meet their goals.

If that person finished without a medal but still in the Top 10, then there is a gray area; maybe that person deserved protection and maybe they didn't. At least they proved they were at the level where they had a shot at a medal.

If an athlete who has been the recipient of undeserved favors from U.S. Speedskating and either did not finish in the Top 10 or performed worse in these Olympics than they did in the previous Olympics, then The Protocol concludes that the athlete is NWP, or "Not Worth Protecting."

These are my criteria, clearly laid out in black and white. Though they may sound cruel and harsh, at least I won't be changing them once the results come in.

All is Quiet at the Utah Olympic Oval:

The Olympics are coming and the team is away,
It's time for the outcasts to come in and play.

Absence makes me more aware
Of the hypocrites who pretended to care,
The box of Clif Bars they refused to share,
The icicles forming in the air.

Olympic glory still lives on:
Soon they'll set up a JumboTron
So all the fans can cheer the team on
But I'm just grateful that they're gone!

Not right to look up to the Norwegian Team?

Some readers say that maybe I shouldn't admire the Norwegian team. It is true that I do not know anything about their system, and so I can see where the frustration would come in; I've also heard the rumors that Pete Mueller hand-picks some of his athletes.

I was speaking more from the experience of one of my friends, who got to visit Norway and saw Pete in his interactions with the team of skaters he works with. I also got to hang out with Pete in the spring, and talk to him a little about skating.

It might be wrong of me, but I got the idea that he would have "picked" me. After I'd been basically treated like garbage by my own federation, he said that he thought I skated well, and that if he were my coach he'd make me "fucking win."

All of this is just an example of what an important role a coach or program director's decision on an athlete's talent or potential can play in that person's career. I was lucky enough to be able to get an objective point of view on my speedskating potential from someone outside of US Speedskating. I am very sorry for offending any of the skaters who have ended up on the wrong side of Norwegian speedskating politics! I'm sure it happens in Norway just as much as it happens here; it's just that I'm not there to see it.

The Almost-Olympian's Guide to Surviving the Games:

Hello, my name is Eva, and I am a two-time Almost-Olympian. I'm here to share my reasons for not buying into the propaganda of the Olympic Games.

Consider the following statements from a 2002 Olympic Gold Medalist:

"To athletes, I say dream big. There's not a dream that you can't obtain, it's all about putting in the work."

"It's important to play fair because, if you play fair then I think the right things will happen. Once you start cheating, everything starts to go down. If you play fair you can only have the best outcome."

-from an interview with bobsledder Vonetta Flowers

How many times have you heard the empty cliches about the hardest workers being rewarded for their effort? About a person's success in sport being about the goodness of their character? About the athletes who "have the tremendous ability to suffer," and apparently win because they can take the most pain (as if we can really measure that)?

Life doesn't always fit into a neat little box. Not everyone can be inspired by successful Olympians, and the ideas they promote. Who is hurt by such ideas? It isn't the kids who are young enough to still have a chance in their sport, or the athletes who follow this example and it actually works for them, or the people who admit that they lack the guts to even try. No, the ones who are hurt are those of us who try really hard and fail.

The Olympic Games are hardest on someone like the figure skater whose parents ran out of money, or the moguls skier whose career ended in a doctor's office when he found out his knees were worn out, or the speedskater who spent years fighting a losing battle against her own federation.

Throughout the two upcoming weeks of the Olympic Games, you are going to be bombarded by the stories of people who have lived according to the equation of "EFFORT = REWARD," and it just so happens that their own life experiences have proven them right. But there is no reason why you have to swallow this "narrow slice of pie" and internalize it as The Meaning of Life. Remember: The Olympics are nothing more than the world's largest corporate-sponsored party, and "they" have to market it somehow.

Through my experiences in speedskating, I have come to the conclusion that sometimes people don't get what they seem to deserve, either in terms of effort, or in terms of character and playing fair. What I have found is that even in sports like speedskating, a lot of people - not just a few - have the "ability to suffer."

The Master's skater doing a 1500 at the age group Nationals has the ability to suffer. The woman on schedule to skate a personal best in the 5K, holding 34-35 second laps for the first time ever, suffers every bit as much as the champion who skates the race holding her typical 30-31 second laps. Many can suffer. What the rare few have is the genetics and the resources to develop their natural talent.

As we humans get closer and closer to our maximum physical potential, genetic differences between individuals become more significant. The good old days, when differences in performance were determined primarily by differences in athletes' motivation and willingness to suffer pain, passed a long time ago.

In sports like speedskating, our performance is measured by time, not by a "Pain-O-Meter." So, consider that before you let people tell you that you failed because you didn't try hard enough; before you start beating yourself up over believing that you just couldn't take the pain.

(As a side note, I don't believe it was my genetic limitations that prevented me from achieving success in this sport. Rather, it was my unreasonable fight for my rights as an athlete, and the unpleasantness that resulted. It wasn't my lack of talent, but the inability to sustain my anger-driven motivation over five years of training and competition. I burned out long before I had a chance to reach my full potential. In fact, several foreign coaches told me I had the physical potential to take this sport all the way to the top.)

Do you believe that your "character" and your "sense of fair play" has anything to do with your success in sports? Trust me: There are a lot of A-holes out there who are very successful in sports. I believe that the only way your character can make a difference in your athletic performance is in how your own feelings about your character affect your brain chemistry before and during competition.

As much as I believe in science, I was naive enough to use the concept of "reward and punishment" to motivate myself before the Olympic Trials. I honestly believed that, in the end, favoritism would not triumph over what I had worked to accomplish on my own. In consequence, once the results of the women's 500 meters came in on the first day of competition, the view of life and of metric speedskating that I had constructed for myself came crashing down, and I was so demoralized that I could hardly skate in my 1000 meter race the next day.

There are a lot of good people out there who tried hard and failed to achieve in sports, for whatever reason. But you won't be seeing any of them in the next two weeks. If you're feeling overwhelmed by the narrow, one-sided view of sports presented by the Olympics, you must find a way of silencing those voices.

To get through the Games, I might recommend trying to avoid Olympic TV coverage and occupying your mind with other things. Another helpful suggestion would be to balance out the Olympic stories by reading books about the other side of sports; on topics such as the Salt Lake bribery scandal, the figure skating judging scandal, doping in sports, or sports and genetics.

I've found that learning about some of the injustices and atrocities happening around the world can put things into perspective. Read about what's happening in the Middle East, and then see if you can convince yourself that God really doesn't care about the outcome of somebody's ice skating race.

In the end, even though the Olympics are going to be "in your face" for the next two weeks, they really aren't that important.

Smells Like Team Spirit: From the "Extraordinary" Pep Talk to the "Viking Raiders"...

As I was pondering the existence of a cohesive plan for the US Speedskating Team over the past 4 years of this Olympic cycle, this story came back into my mind.

It was February of 2003, and we were in Inzell, preparing for the last few World Cups of the first post-Olympic season. After dinner one night, program director Mike Crowe called a meeting in the hallway outside his room. As we gathered around, Crowe presented his vision for the next four years.

The basic message of the speech was, "These are the people you're most likely going to be traveling and competing with, through the next Olympics in Torino. So, be good to your teammates." After that, he went off on some long and convoluted tangent that kept coming back around to "being ordinary people doing extraordinary things." It kind of left us shaking our heads, but I think the main point was that we were supposed to be cooperative, supportive, and respectful towards each other, in order to help us feel happy and comfortable and perform well at the Games.

Since that night, what became of this message of team unity? How well did we follow through? Were relationships between teammates ever again held as sacred as they were for the 20-minute duration of that speech? Were people held accountable for their actions?

Team leadership starts from the top. It is not about a once-every-four-years lecture. It is about inspiration. It is about connecting with people. It is about being there, and about becoming one with your team, like Peter Mueller has done with the Norwegians. It is about making people come together like a family; about forming a group of people who wish each other well, rather than seeing their own teammates as "worse competition" than the Dutch!

I want to know how favoritism and unequal treatment were supposed to make us like each other. I want to know how discrimination against athletes who came from other training programs was supposed to make us feel like we're part of the team.

Did anyone ever discuss the fact that one of my teammates once left me without a ride to a competition, hopping on the last seat of another team's bus at the last minute, after we had planned to ride together? Did anyone ever try to stop the mentally destructive verbal abuse of Chris Callis, when the whole group ganged up on him on one Fall World Cup trip? These are just a few examples.

Over the course of the last four years, as the watchful eye of the program director turned away, toxic attitudes and malignancies crept unnoticed into the system. And no one was there to keep the group focused on the goal.

Those of us who trained with alternative programs always felt excluded. In fact, throughout my years of international-level competition, I never felt comfortable even thinking of myself as a "member of the U.S. Speedskating Team." I bet that if you asked each member of the board of directors, "What is the definition of the US Speedskating Team?" each one would come up with a different answer.

Personally, I lost my confidence in the team leadership a long time ago. When you hear some of them actually bad-mouthing their own athletes behind their backs, or when there's no way you can be sure they are on your side, even though you wear the USA uniform and race for them, you can't trust them. And how can you be inspired by someone you don't even trust?

Instead of building a strong and supportive team, the leadership of US Speedskating only managed to set up a "culture of enemies." Back when Tom Cushman accused the Norwegians of "stealing American intellectual property" - supposedly including our cooperative team training atmosphere -- maybe what he meant to say was, "So, that's where it went. The Norwegians took it!"